The feeling of belonging

Sometimes, I hate myself a whole lot. Wait, not sometimes, but ALL the time. Whenever I go to school, I feel as if I don’t belong there. Everybody at my school is like perfect. Well maybe not perfect, but close to it. When I say perfect, I mean that they can do the things I probaly can never do. Like making A’s all the time, play football real well, having great music talents, having lots or any extracurricular activites, all the way to just looking good. I am none of those things. I’m kinda smart, but these days are so hard for me, and I feel tons lazy. I’m horrible at football, and can barely understand the simple rules. I have no music talents, except I think I can sing very well, but don’t sing in front of anybody. I used to be in many extracurricular activities last year in middle school. I was in Student Council, Superintendent Leadership Club, Track, and Recycling Team. I thought I did good enough last year, and deserve a break this year.. Unfortunately, my teacher got nominated for some special award thing which is really rare, and can get most of her students on the National List. Unfortunately you have to have A’s and be in a EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITY which I don’t fit the latter bill. I defintely do not look good. I’ll be honest about that. I got tons of acne on my face, and of all the medicenes I’ve used, none seem to work real well. All those 5 things, are what seem like perfection to me. If I can’t fit these requirements, I feel worthless. I feel that anybody who is nice to me, is just nice to me, because in their minds, they feel the sympathy for pathetic people like me. Although some people claim they don’t do that, I feel that they do, and that they just want to deny it. They’ll be friends, but they won’t be like close friends, and hangout with me all the time. It just hurts my heart. I feel so inferior everyday I walk into school. I try to keep a low profile, so people don’t notice me. But people do, and sometimes call out hi to me. I just hate being noticed that way. I also have another problem : eye contact. For some reason, I can never maintain direct eye contact with people. I think it’s because my face is so ugly, that I don’t want anybody to have to stare at it. And when I look into their flawless faces, I feel so inferior, that why I don’t seem to keep eye contact with people. People notice this and often remark this, but I give stupid excuses like the wind blows in my eyes from looking that way, I have neck problems, and tons of other excuses. I just wish I could be like everybody else. I’ll write some more later.

2 responses to “The feeling of belonging

  1. I wish there was a way to give you a crystal ball so that you could see the future and see how very bright it burns for you. The way people look, their extracurricular activities, all the things that seem so very important now, will not even matter in a few years from now. And the funny part is that in high school, everyone is dealing with their own demons. Some of your classmates are probably looking at you and wishing that they had your talent for writing, or had something else that you don\’t even realize you possess. You are not worthless and you should never allow yourself to embrace that feeling. In 2 years from now, no one will remember whether or not you had acne, but what you make of yourself will make a lasting impression forever. You seem to be a highly intelligent young man, don\’t lose focus on the big picture.

  2. thanks Lulu! it feels nice to have a compassionate person here. i guess it doesn\’t sound important now, but if I still feel unwanted. It doesn\’t sound that bad in real life. But I still want to be better. One day, I might wake up to be flawless. And so will the whole world. But that will be like years from now. By then, the future will be wonderful.

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